Oddz 'n Endz

Okay, so in the title I've used two bits of english shorthand that actually drive me crazy. See if you can pick them out.

First off, for those of you who don't know, my computer's screen has gone very, very dim. So that's a bit of an inconvenience, but I can eventually get it fixed when I get back home.

I had a lot more to say on that subject, but upon further reflection, it was really boring and not particularly relevant. No need to thank me, just doing my job.

This blog post is going to be a little bit of everything, since I don't really have a unifying theme this time. I know that you're all shocked and apalled at the idea that anything I would write could possibly be rambling and unfocused. Unfortunately the higher-ups here at Barbarian at the Gates Inc. have had their say. (Yes, this is the quality that you have come to expect from me, kind of awkward self-deprecation followed by ripping off stuff Matt Wilson came up with years ago).

So yeah, the first thing is more serious than the things I normally talk about, the ridiculous amount of anti-Japanese sentiment. When asked who they would rather throw out of a balloon, Hitler or Junichiro Koizumi (current prime minister of Japan), 29 out of 30 chose Koizumi. What was even more fun were the reasons why.

"He is a bad man." No other explanation required aparently.
"Because I hate all Japanese." Ah, blanket racism makes it okay.
My personal favorite, "Because he killed many Chinese people".

Now, I realize that not everyone who reads this follows current events in Asia as much as I might, but I think most of you can wager a guess that Japan did not elect a mass murderer to their highest political station. Now, I can understand there being some residual unhappiness between China and Japan, what with the atrocities and the denying them later. While I can't condone these feelings, I can at least see where they're coming from. What I have a problem with is the way in which my students arrive at this hatred. I've been told by quite a few that it was their history teachers who instructed them to "always hate the Japanese."

Hmmm...what else can I say that's happier than deep-seated racial conflict? Oh, I had presentations a while ago. They were mostly boring, but one stood out. The students were doing a presentation about a western weddings (that's weddings that are descended from the European tradition, not those that involve cowboy hats). Anyway, they wrote some words up on the board that were never mentioned them again. These words were:

"Bride"
"Groom"

Okay, so far, so good, that seems pretty normal for a wedding presentation. Let's see what else they have...

"Holy ceremony"

That's a bit weirder. I don't normally hear these two words together...usually holy matrimony, but oh well. What's last?

"Unfasten"

Ummm...whoa. I think they're moving a bit too far into the honeymoon territory. I'm just glad they never actually talked about this.

One last item. The GTCFLA had a school-wide English competition that included singing, poetry, drama, and a whole lot of other things that I didn't particularly care about. As a foreign teacher I was asked to judge the singing competition. The acts ranged from "Shoot me now" to "Was I some kind of genocidal madman in a previous life that God so wants to punish me now?" But, it was all worth it for the....well, words can't quite describe what it was. All I remember is that it involved dancing, and tree people, and a person in a suit that was either a bear or a dog or a monkey depending on who you asked. I have pictures, I'll need to put them up, because what I witnessed defies any attempt to categorize it.

And that's about it. You know what part of essays I was worst at? The conclusion.

Travel!

Alright, I know what's going through your head. "He thinks that he can just casually wander back after 2 months, and we'll resume our positions on the edge of our seats. Oh, it won't be that easy. He's going to have to grovel a bit." Hey, you have a right to be angry. I realize that the tales of my exploits are the most entertaining things ever, and that my writing style leaves you breathless and wondering how you could have ever even remotely questioned the existence of a benevolent God. I realize there are those of you who, for lack of anything else in your life, sit and reload my blog page over and over again, hoping that I updated in those critical milliseconds (you don't have to raise your hands, I know who you are). I don't have any excuses really...but I just want to say, ain't I good to you baby? Don't you want me back?

Okay, that metaphor went to a creepy, emotionally-abusive-relationship place. I'll try to keep from doing that in the future.

In truth, I'm fairly lazy. Plus, China has become so routine at this point that many things that would have had me rushing to my keyboard barely register now. "Oh...one of my students is wearing a t-shirt that actually says something sexually explicit. Ho hum." Even if they do show up as a gnat-sized blip on the radar, I tend to forget by the time class is out.

So, now I'm traveling again, which gives me some new perspectives on the country in which I live. And this time, it's the travelers, not the Chinese who are going to e exposed to my rapier wit and razor-sharp tongue. I'm in Chengdu again. It's quite a nice city, and I'm exploring some different parts of it. That's not the point of this, though. I'm staying at a backpacker's hostel, and it's one of those places that so desperately wants to be trendy- it encourages people to write messages on the walls, it provides DVDs, etc.- but the confusing this is that people actually seem to buy into it. One guy has been here for 4 months.

Sorry, got a bit unfocused, it's the travelers here who shall receive my scorn. You see, of all the trendy things I think this hostel is trying to do, it's the forced sense of camaraderie that galls me the most. Listen, just because you're in China and I'm in China doesn't mean that I will like you or want to talk to you. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood because people kept interrupting me while I was in the middle of reading, but the other annoying thing was that every conversation was basically the same. And no matter what, the conversation inevitably turns towards travel oneupsmanship (a game that I've taken to calling "Who has the biggest travel penis" or "Comparing sizes" depending on who's listening).

Oh, so you've seen the Great Wall? Well I've been horse-trekking across Mongolia.
You've done the 3 Gorges river cruise? I'm going to cycle all the way to Tibet.
I've been to Vietnam.
I've been to India.
I can pack lighter than you.

They're like more athletic versions of music store geeks, with the constant need to find things more obscure to appreciate more than your average schmoe. People who've only done the big things are met with scorn. I actually took great delight in talking to these people, just because I have the G-bomb. "Oh yeah, I live in Guangzhou". You see, Guangzhou is like the backpacker's kryptonite. It's an ugly city, it's a commercial city, and there's nothing to do for travelers. There are some hills to climb, but that's about it. After I drop the G-bomb, you can see the look of disgust spread across their faces, and they kind of move away from me, lest they contract whatever congenital illness I have that moved me to live in such a deplorable city.

Now, the other problem with travelers in China are the long-term expats. There's an old saying about expats in China, they are one of two things. Either they have rejected the west, or the west has rejected them. The latter are annoyingly abundant. One such guy was Detroit. Detroit wasn't his real name, but you quickly learn to assign diminuitive and dismissive nicknames to people you don't like out here. I call him Detroit just because he couldn't go 4 sentences without referencing the fact that he was from Detroit. I know, I know, and if you call now, you can get my book on coming up with clever ways of referencing people you'll never see again.

Now, I could outline the various and sundry ways in which Detroit was a shrilly annoying waste of space, but he's not really important in and of himself. No, I'm only mentioning him because he represents so many foreigners here in China. I'm sad to say that Americans are particularly poorly represented. This poor representation may be accurate, but it's poor nonetheless.

I don't actually have as much to say on this guy as I thought. I'm actually going to head off for now, but I just thought I'd check back in with all the people out there. Maybe I'll talk about something that doesn't fill me with vitriol and make me choke on my own bile. Muchachos y muchachas, vaya con dios. I will miss you until the next time I can use a patronizing, psuedo-ethnic farewell.

Oh yeah, I also saw a baby panda.